Jaden is a willful child and even before he could speak, it was clear to both my husband and I that though he is a good child he is by no means a mindlessly obedient child. As his language has developed, so too has his ability to negotiate. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing, only that I need to allocate time in my plans for convincing Jaden of just why any given activity need be accomplished.

Before I continue, I must state this in no way means that Jaden is a disobedient child - quite the contrary in fact. Once Jaden understands the whys behind my requests (and not just “Because I said so”), one of two things will occur. Either he’ll accept the terms and we can move on or (and this is becoming increasingly likely) we will begin some high-stakes negotiations.

Negotiating with a three year old is tricky. Compromise is not in their vocabulary – certainly a concept within their realm of comprehension, but considering the world revolves around them they see no point in it. Thus, any arrangements we make are strictly on an all or nothing basis. Should I be lucky to have some kind of conditional agreement with Jaden, all of my terms must be met before he will consider complying – and he reserves the right to change his mind at any point. Here is an example of a typical conversation we have:

Mom: Jaden, we’re going to be going to the store in five minutes, so you’ll have to put your blocks away now.

Jaden: No mommy, how about we play with my blocks until lunch and then we can go to the store instead of having a nap?

Mom: Jaden, you need to have your nap, and I need to get our lunch from the store. Please put your blocks away now.

Jaden: Let’s make a deal. How about I give you a hug and a kiss, you put my blocks away and then we can go to the store.

Mom: Well, no. How about this. How about I get the hug and kiss, I’ll help you with the blocks and then we’ll go.

Jaden: Okay mommy. (At which point I get the hug and kiss and Jaden waits for me to put the blocks away).

Mom: Jaden, I said I’d help you, not do it. I’ll help you more when I see you putting them away. We need to get to the store. (So reluctantly he puts blocks away).

Jaden: Mommy, I changed my mind. I don’t want to go to the store. Let’s have lunch and THEN go.

Mom: Jaden put on your shoes.
And on it goes.

These negotiations are further complicated by a three year old’s complete lack of fairness and logic. Since they do live in their own universe that conveniently revolves around them, their perception is that our existence is merely to suit their needs and whims (yes, we’re working on this). In such a world Jaden’s affection (ie the aforementioned hug and kiss) is a worthwhile trade in his mind for anything he could possibly want. Combined with his lack of understanding of concepts such as monetary value, or mom’s need to stop playing in order to prepare a meal, negotiations become so complicated and complex as to warrant a written contract (if he knew how to read yet). Logic develops over time, and though I get glossy-eyed stares on occasion while I try to explain the reasons behind things, how else will Jaden learn how the world works unless we discuss them – over and over again?

Sometimes I wonder, as Jaden stands resolute with arms folded, if we are being too lenient as parents. I always listen to his proposition and consider his new arrangements. Sometimes I give in (who can resist a guaranteed hug and kiss?) but not without some terms of my own. I listen to these deals because often as a busy mother, I fall into the trap many parents do of expecting blanket compliance – the notion of “What I say goes”. Though I understand a parent’s need for authority, and that certainly there are times when blanket compliance is mandatory (believe me, I have a voice for this and Jaden knows it well), I believe it’s okay sometimes to relent when a child makes a reasonable request. I have expectations that his request be reasonable (my logic, not his self-centered one!). Truly, if it makes no difference, I can’t see the harm in allowing him to learn about the fine art of negotiation and compromise by seeing that in talking about matters, we can come to some kind of arrangement agreeable to both of us.

I can foresee some trouble down the line – at school for instance when compliance is deemed mandatory in order to prevent anarchy. But since one goal of parenting is to raise free thinking, independent children, I’m willing to deal with those consequences when the time comes. I can only hope Jaden does not grow up to become some kind of tyrant capable of outmaneuvering all around him for his own whim and fancy. But if our negotiations now can teach Jaden how to disagree respectfully, how to compromise and communicate more effectively in the end, then I hope all of our headaches will be worth the trouble.

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There are two cautionary notes to my tale:
1. If something works once, this will be your child’s go-to ploy the next time around, and every time around in the foreseeable future. If you attempt negotiations, be prepared with explanations for comments such as “But it worked last time”.

2. Though becoming increasingly adept at negotiating, Jaden is still after all only three and three-quarters. Therefore, if all else fails, he knows he will always try to fall back on tears or tantrums. I don’t see a solution to this, except to always plan some time, and leave some patience for the inevitable “I can’t get my way” meltdown.