I feel a bit relieved this afternoon. Today is the first day I’ve insisted on time to write that is not during feeding times (a little tough to type with one hand and hold a breastfeeding newborn in the other….I mean I can multitask, but a gal can only do so much). At any rate, I only hope I can maintain enough coherence so as not to confuse you all. Yesterday was my son’s fourth birthday party, and with the new baby only being two and a half weeks old, I am completely exhausted. I have to say that regardless of the exhaustion, it was worth it too see my boy have such a great time and feel extra special at a time when he needs to feel that the most. I also feel really proud of both my boys since the older was such a good host and the wee one slept most of the time.

I realized this morning that I do my best thinking in the shower - I suppose it’s a time when I’m actually alone for even the briefest of moments. Also, the water is loud enough to drown out the constant chatter and so I can have a few moments of clear, uninterrupted thought.
Let me backtrack. The first thing I thought about was how fortunate I feel for the ability to have a shower when I want to this week since my mother is visiting. Then, once that blissful thought passed I thought about the time when she won’t be here and how I should cherish these showers while I can. Then I let my mind wander to think about how in our world we live in a multitude of catch 22’s - where depending on our outlook we can’t win regardless of what we do. At best, we are judged harshly no matter choices we make - and our only recourse is to not care about how we are judged. That or go mad trying to please everyone. I’ve lived both sides of the coin, and I must say not giving a damn about what people think is a liberating experience.

I guess this isn’t really a new thought for me. We as women live in a world where we are expected to have a child and immediately go back to work. That or be forever shamed for not doing it all, and somehow letting our “feminist” counterparts down by choosing to stay at home. On the other hand, in going back to the work force we are then not putting our family first and our children suffer for our selfishness at wanting it all. Either way, if you follow what others think of you, there’s no winning.

Then I brought my newborn son home. Suddenly it seems as though my breasts and whether or not I’m breastfeeding is a hot discussion topic open to all (or maybe I’m just a little bit defensive). I am trying to breastfeed my son, but for whatever reason just don’t have the supply (the same as for my first son). So when I mention that I’m bottle and breastfeeding, I can tell some are surprised. Perhaps as though I’m a poor mother for not exclusively breastfeeding. We in today’s society are pushed to breastfeed baby - we all know it’s best for them, and according to some how dare we not? Nevermind if it doesn’t go well, it’s simply a must of good mothering. But then there’s the flipside. How many times are women frowned upon for breastfeeding in public? The sight of a breastfeeding mother makes so many people uncomfortable. But what should a mother do? Stay in for a year? Time feedings so that her errands are in between but she should rush home lest she become a pumpkin? There’s no winning.

I think the first time I stopped thinking about what other people were thinking about, it was as though a great weight had been lifted from my shoulders. Who really cares what someone is going to think about the decisions I make? As long as we all do our best for each other and our families, truly it’s no one else’s business. I think we as women don’t hear that often enough. The choices in our lives are just that - our choices. In making a decision about what’s going to work for you, you need to do what’s best without regard about other peoples’ perceptions.

When I was in my 20s, I asked a professor in her 30s what was the biggest change in the transition from 20-something to 30-something. She answered simply - she no longer gave a damn about what other’s thought of her or her opinions. She told me the 30s were extremely liberating because she wasn’t as afraid to share her opinions on matters as she had been in her 20s. We are almost raised to be seen and not heard, and somewhere around the 30s it seems that for at least this professor and I, you come into your own as a woman and begin to value your own opinion as much as anyone else’s (does this coincide with having children or just coincidence?).  Ever since that time I try to remember that sometimes you need to stop the inner voice that screams how poorly you’re going to look for a decision and think about what truly is the best option for you.  We shouldn’t have to apologize for decisions we make that impact our lives and no one else’s.  Or at the very least, the apologies should be reserved for the people whose lives our decisions do impact.  Life without regret.  Wouldn’t that be lovely?