I cannot believe how challenging my four year old is being at the moment. Sure, we just brought home a new baby, and I need to cut him some slack. I get that. On the flip side, I think I’m going to lose it. Lately, if I say black, he says white; or should I be bold enough to say white, he screams blue. I can’t win and apparently my four year old is wiser to the ways of the world than I am.

Truthfully, I suspect this behaviour has arisen because over the last week our son has been inundated by “no”. At every turn he seems to be getting into things just for the sake of getting into trouble, until finally we’ve run out of options except to say “no”. He hears it so often he just replies “YES” without skipping a beat.

Now let’s fast f0rward a few days - just like in a TV sitcom. (some days my life does feel like a sitcome…) I’ve tried a few different things since beginning this post and here is a list of what has worked.

1. Suggest Other Options - There’s a reason this one is number one on my list - it works. For instance, this morning my son decided to dump out a bucket of toys and then play with something completely different. His choice? Clean the toys, or go into your room. He chose to clean his toys, sans argument.

2. There is a Room for Whining - If my son starts to whine, I remind him that whining in our house is only done in our own rooms. If he feels the need to whine, he has to go to his room to do it. It took me once to show him I meant business on this, and now I only need to remind him of our house rule regarding whining and he’ll either go or he’ll stop. Again it’s his choice and I don’t mind what he chooses. In giving him the control of choosing between two or three options that don’t matter to me which he chooses seems to bring a lot of peace to our house.

3. Praise, Praise, Praise - Positive reinforcement works thousands times better than only focusing on the negative. Every day I’ve tried to be aware of what my son is doing right and thank him for doing that. And did you know, that this week he’s made his bed every day without me even asking? Now it doesn’t really look made when he’s done, but in his mind it is. I don’t remake his bed because I don’t want him to think he didn’t do it well enough. I think most children probably want to please their parents 90 percent of the time. And maybe if we focus on what they are trying to do for us, without sending messages that it’s not good enough, maybe they’ll want to help more?

3. Involve him in Household Activities - Rather than sending him to “do his own thing” while I have to clean, I hand him a duster or a broom and ask him if he’d like to clean his room. Sometimes he says no, so I help him find another activity. But he knows that if he wants me to do something with him and it’s cleaning time, then he’ll have to clean too. In our house we allocate certain time for chores, and during those times mommy is busy doing chores. So he knows he has to play independently or else pitch in. But again, he has a choice and he knows when cleaning is done it’s mommy and son time.

4. Be Sympathetic - This was actually a tough one these last few weeks because I’ve felt a bit like a ping pong ball between my two sons - back and forth all day. He wants to colour at the exact time the newborn wants to be fed. Although I’ve always explained to him why the baby needs to be fed first and that I just can’t do both at once, he needed to know I felt sorry that I couldn’t colour at that exact time. That I understood he needed me, and offering another option to fulfill his needs seemed to help. Instead of just “no I can’t color”, saying ” Well, if you’d like to sit with me, we can read while I feed the baby, or you can colour by yourself”. Trying to take the time to see what his need really is - does he need mommy time, or colouring time?

5. Time Together is Time Together - This is especially tough - and equally important as it is difficult. Whether playing superhero, colouring or reading, our time together cannot be my time to make mental lists about what I need to get done. Being present for him when we’re doing things seems to make a big difference. The dishes and bills can wait. I think my son is very perceptive and he knows when my mind is elsewhere (it’s why he knows exactly when to ask if he can have candy) - and so he knows when I’m sitting with him but I’m not really with him. It’s so easy when you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed to try to multitask and spend all your time figuring out what to do next. It’s not worth it, and I’ve enjoyed my days more by focusing on just one thing at a time, especially when the task at hand is playing with Jaden and Lucas.