I’m not exactly sure where this post is going to lead. This week marked my 33rd birthday - and my mother’s 77th (she’s gonna love me telling you that!). And since I feel as though my birthdays are my own personal New Year, it’s a time for me to assess where I’m at in my life, and see what I want differently this year.

I think what I’m thinking about most is how much I miss being close to my family. My mother went home today after her three week visit. The loss of help is going to be difficult, but even more so I feel as though I connected with my mother in a way I haven’t before. Maybe because I’m a mom now (though I have been for the last four years)? Or maybe because we’re on my “turf” instead of hers and so we’re more equal (incidently her turf is the home I was born and raised in. I always feel a little like a child there because it’s where I spent my whole childhood). Anyway, I digress. When I was younger, I missed my family but two trips a year for a week each were enough to appease my longing to be home. Now that I have children, three trips of three weeks a year isn’t enough. My parents are getting older and I want so much for my children to know their grandparents. I feel as though I am missing out too - so many things I love doing with my mom and dad and the knowledge I won’t have forever to do these things. And too, they need help around the house now, and there’s no one really there to do it for them - I guess that’s guilt. These are things I never considered in my 20s, that sometimes haunt me now. I made the decision to leave my home town, but there is a part of me that wants more than anything to move back - at least for a few years. So, I guess that’s one thing I’d like to do differently.

The importance of family is definitely something I feel as though many people today overlook in the hubbub of daily life.  Between working, keeping a household tidy and clean, and trying to exist in a high-paced, high-tech society I think we forget to stop and enjoy the simple things and share that with our children.  I know I often do.  I tend to stress too much about what needs to be done instead of enjoying my boys.  Often while feeding my baby, or playing with my son my mind is more on the dishes that need to be done instead of in the moment.  So I guess I’d like to think about that a bit and try to enjoy where I’m at a bit more.

And finally I think I’m at a point in my life where I question what I’m going to do with the rest of it.  I came from a career I didn’t enjoy, and yet I have a degree in Biology that I’d like to put to use at some point.  I feel raising children is wonderful and great, but cleaning toilets might be something I’d happily leave behind (okay, so I know I’ll never leave it behind, but at least it not be part of my job description!).  For the next few years I’m committed to my family, but what is it I want out of life?  Not just raising my babies, though for now this is more than enough.  Do I want to be a writer? A research scientist? A teacher? I’m not sure, but I know that I want more.  And I know it’s okay for me to feel that way, though there is so much guilt in admitting I want more for myself than just being a stay-at-home mom forever.