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*Originally I had written that the lack of mental stimulation was THE greatest challenge of parenthood. First of all, my son is only three, I don’t feel ready to make such a bold statement having no experience from ages 4 - infinity. Secondly, I realized that’s just the greatest challenge today, and in no way reflects how I might have felt last week nor how I might feel tomorrow.
** There is a surprising amount of mental prowess required to answer questions that amongst two adults would exist only in the realm of absurd. I find if I don’t carefully plan my answers to Jaden’s questions, I will be inundated with “Why” until the end of time. So, better to stop and think of real answers to his questions then a thoughtless “Just because”.
The Joys of Four-ness: How to Tame the Beast that is Four
Last modified on 2008-03-24 17:49:03 GMT. 2 comments. Top.
I cannot believe how challenging my four year old is being at the moment. Sure, we just brought home a new baby, and I need to cut him some slack. I get that. On the flip side, I think I’m going to lose it. Lately, if I say black, he says white; or should I be bold enough to say white, he screams blue. I can’t win and apparently my four year old is wiser to the ways of the world than I am.
Truthfully, I suspect this behaviour has arisen because over the last week our son has been inundated by “no”. At every turn he seems to be getting into things just for the sake of getting into trouble, until finally we’ve run out of options except to say “no”. He hears it so often he just replies “YES” without skipping a beat.
Now let’s fast f0rward a few days - just like in a TV sitcom. (some days my life does feel like a sitcome…) I’ve tried a few different things since beginning this post and here is a list of what has worked.
1. Suggest Other Options - There’s a reason this one is number one on my list - it works. For instance, this morning my son decided to dump out a bucket of toys and then play with something completely different. His choice? Clean the toys, or go into your room. He chose to clean his toys, sans argument.
2. There is a Room for Whining - If my son starts to whine, I remind him that whining in our house is only done in our own rooms. If he feels the need to whine, he has to go to his room to do it. It took me once to show him I meant business on this, and now I only need to remind him of our house rule regarding whining and he’ll either go or he’ll stop. Again it’s his choice and I don’t mind what he chooses. In giving him the control of choosing between two or three options that don’t matter to me which he chooses seems to bring a lot of peace to our house.
3. Praise, Praise, Praise - Positive reinforcement works thousands times better than only focusing on the negative. Every day I’ve tried to be aware of what my son is doing right and thank him for doing that. And did you know, that this week he’s made his bed every day without me even asking? Now it doesn’t really look made when he’s done, but in his mind it is. I don’t remake his bed because I don’t want him to think he didn’t do it well enough. I think most children probably want to please their parents 90 percent of the time. And maybe if we focus on what they are trying to do for us, without sending messages that it’s not good enough, maybe they’ll want to help more?
3. Involve him in Household Activities - Rather than sending him to “do his own thing” while I have to clean, I hand him a duster or a broom and ask him if he’d like to clean his room. Sometimes he says no, so I help him find another activity. But he knows that if he wants me to do something with him and it’s cleaning time, then he’ll have to clean too. In our house we allocate certain time for chores, and during those times mommy is busy doing chores. So he knows he has to play independently or else pitch in. But again, he has a choice and he knows when cleaning is done it’s mommy and son time.
4. Be Sympathetic - This was actually a tough one these last few weeks because I’ve felt a bit like a ping pong ball between my two sons - back and forth all day. He wants to colour at the exact time the newborn wants to be fed. Although I’ve always explained to him why the baby needs to be fed first and that I just can’t do both at once, he needed to know I felt sorry that I couldn’t colour at that exact time. That I understood he needed me, and offering another option to fulfill his needs seemed to help. Instead of just “no I can’t color”, saying ” Well, if you’d like to sit with me, we can read while I feed the baby, or you can colour by yourself”. Trying to take the time to see what his need really is - does he need mommy time, or colouring time?
5. Time Together is Time Together - This is especially tough - and equally important as it is difficult. Whether playing superhero, colouring or reading, our time together cannot be my time to make mental lists about what I need to get done. Being present for him when we’re doing things seems to make a big difference. The dishes and bills can wait. I think my son is very perceptive and he knows when my mind is elsewhere (it’s why he knows exactly when to ask if he can have candy) - and so he knows when I’m sitting with him but I’m not really with him. It’s so easy when you’re feeling tired and overwhelmed to try to multitask and spend all your time figuring out what to do next. It’s not worth it, and I’ve enjoyed my days more by focusing on just one thing at a time, especially when the task at hand is playing with Jaden and Lucas.
On the Challenges of Being a Stay-At-Home Mom
Last modified on 2008-01-05 15:01:17 GMT. 1 comment. Top.
There is no doubt that motherhood is difficult – and though we hear it so often it’s almost cliché, it’s very true that motherhood is the most difficult thing you will ever do. Over the course of the last year, I have been a stay-at-home mother; having been a working mother immediately before that. Both are challenging in unique ways, but I would have to say that stay-at-home mothering is the more difficult of the two. I’m sure a lot of this is personal, perhaps what is more difficult for me is less so for others. I can only speak strictly from my experience, and yet having the somewhat unique experience of being both, I feel I can say with some certainty that the challenges I face staying at home far outweigh the challenges I faced as a working mom.
Let me preface by saying that working mothers face their own challenges, and I in no way wish to belittle those. In fact, as a working mom, I think the most difficult was the guilt I felt at leaving my child with another person: that they were raising my son while I was at work and I never felt as though I had enough time with him. That being said, the time we did have together was quality. Since both my husband and I had to work, there was definitely more of a division of labour in the household (though not fifty-fifty by any stretch of the imagination). As such, it was okay to save all of our housework for a couple of hours on the weekend, and since we weren’t home most of the week, the house didn’t get all that dirty anyway. Housework was done while the other parent entertained Jaden, so there was rarely a juggling act involved at all. Meal preparation was simple too. After Jaden went to bed, I need only whip up dinner for the next night and leave it in the fridge to be reheated when needed (not to mention more available income for going out if needed in a pinch). Also in having that second income we could buy more convenience foods, which further alleviated the pressure of the daily grind in the household. Thus, the mundane tasks that needed to be done were easily put off so Jaden and I could sit and read, or colour, or go to the beach.
This is not the case for a stay at home mom, solely responsible for every aspect of the household and welfare of the children. Housework, accounting, mending, budget preparation – all of these tasks are accomplished and must be juggled throughout the day in order for the house to stay intact. Certainly these tasks could be left and completed in the evening, but there are simply not enough hours. In fact, I had more free time as a working mother than I do now staying at home all day.
The physical volume of work is exacerbated by the mundane and repetitive nature of housework. It’s no fun to clean up the kitchen, or den, or finish laundry only to turn around and have a whole new load of work to do. There is never a sense of completion or perfection in a household where there are children. While as a working mother I could finish all my work on a weekend morning, I must now perform some tasks daily, before things become overwhelming. Furthermore, since there is always someone in the house, it’s more difficult to let things slip a bit – you definitely notice more when the dishes aren’t done or the bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in nine days as opposed to seven, just by the nature of continued use. In stay at home living, there is absolutely no job satisfaction.
It’s not only housework that stay at home moms face, but also how lonely and isolating it can be raising children. In both situations I moved into a new area – in one I found a job right away and began working, and then we moved and I have now been here for a year. Almost immediately in the workplace I made friends with whom I could go shopping during the weekend, or have over to our house and entertain. But in staying within the household all day, it becomes difficult to meet people. Certainly there are avenues such as mom’s groups and playground chit chat, but it is extremely difficult to form a lasting relationship when all you have in common is that you have children.
Furthermore, you become more isolated the longer you stay at home because you begin to have less and less to talk about. Not many people want to hear your funny potty training story, or the 300 ways you’ve developed to cook chicken. Try as I might at as a stay at home mom to develop outside interests, it’s increasingly more difficult to put myself out there. I’m an avid reader, enjoy playing piano, do a handful of crafts, try to stay current in news, and yet, there’s something that makes me feel shy in a group, as though I don’t have much interesting to say. As a working mother, I interacted with adults daily and stayed sharp on the fine art of having a good conversation. As my time away from the workplace continues to grow I find these skills are becoming increasingly more difficult to keep honed. As such, whether reality or not, I feel less secure about speaking out in public.
In addition to feeling lonely and isolated, there is a loss of self in stay at home mothering. Your life becomes defined by your household and long gone are the days in which you really have opinions on anything other than the best brand of formula. As you stay out of the professional ring longer, you become more and more defined less as a “chemist” and more as “mother” which let’s face it, in today’s society is tantamount to “life on hold till further notice”.
Finally, in choosing to stay at home with your children, there is less available income. As a working mother, I could afford to go and buy myself something as simple as a new book that gave me funny and witty insights into life I could then share with my friends. In staying at home, budgets have to be drawn carefully, and there is little room available for splurges. When I had more available income, the possibilities of activities with my son seemed limitless. I could take him to movies, or to the craft store. But now, in choosing to stay at home, I must be more resourceful, and have little extra money to help with our activity planning. There are only so many times you can walk to the park, or visit the library in a given week. Furthermore, the planning of activities now must be planned and part of the budget – not only less spontaneous, but also more time is required to plan these activities. Not that our budget could not have used some of these thriftier techniques while I was working, but at least these extra expenses were an option available as a last resort.
As you can see, very few of these issues actually have to do with mothering per se. With respect to my son, there is nothing more rewarding than seeing him develop new skills, and knowing you are the teacher. Knowing too that he is happy and healthy and confident helps, since you know you’re the one creating the atmosphere under which he is thriving. No, mothering is still extremely challenging, but at least it is also rewarding (most of the time).
Everything in life is about trade off, especially when it comes to parenthood – the trick is to decide what the most suitable trade off for you might be. For some women, it may be returning to the workforce and dealing with the guilt of being away from your child. For others it may be struggling for a time to make ends meet in order to be the person who most influences your child. Truthfully, for me the jury is still out on this one. There are days when I feel as though if I don’t get out and work soon, I might lose it. And then there are days when my son looks at me, and I can see how content he is, that I know I’ve made the right choice and try to remember things will get better. Ultimately it’s about what works for you as an individual, because in making yourself happy your household will be that much more so.
And as a final thought, there is nothing in life worth doing that is not challenging. Parenting requires a lot of self sacrifice, regardless of what you call yourself or what you consider your career to be. It might just be that the mere act of self-sacrifice combined with the obvious gains and rewards in being influential in your child’s life is enough to make all the mundane, difficult and lonely jobs that much more bearable and tolerable. In twenty years, should I be fortunate enough to have happy and well adjusted children, won’t I feel some sense of pride in that knowing what it took to help them find that? Though tough some days, perhaps it’s best to remember the overall picture and not get lost in the challenging details.
10 Ways a Stay-at-Home-Mom can Meet New People
Last modified on 2007-12-03 13:27:54 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
Perhaps this is an especially sensitive subject for me because I have recently (within the last year) moved into a new area where I have no real social outlet - yet. I’m a stay-at-home-mom with a child too young for school or organized activities. It strikes me though that the job of motherhood can be particularly isolating, regardless of whether or not you work outside the home. Granted when I worked I had the luck and good fortune of getting along with several co-workers: even still these relationships took a great deal of time to build to a point of inviting people into our home or out for a day shopping.
I think though it’s even more challenging as a stay at home mom to meet new people because other than the playground, we just don’t run into a lot of other adults on a day to day basis. Furthermore, at least with co-workers there is the common bond of shared workplace (complete with gossip!): on the playground, you just never know what you’re going to get. Thankfully my son is more outgoing than I and his eagerness to play with others has afforded me many an opportunity to talk with the parents of the children he so boldly approaches.
Unlike my son, I have never been the kind of person to approach a random stranger and begin a conversation – at least not until the need for adult conversation became the driving force. It’s not easy but at some point, something snaps and suddenly the fear of rejection is far outweighed by the fear of talking about Elmo or Rescue Heroes for the rest of your days. And so, I, one of the most awkward and shy people I know (especially when it comes to striking up random conversations) have been forced to take the leap of faith. And you know what? Not one person has shot me down or refused to talk. Oh sure, there have been plenty of times where it was clear after a minute that the other person and I have absolutely nothing to talk about, but it was never horrific. Grown-ups are just not as mean about those kinds of things as kids can be, even in a playground.
I’ll admit, the leap from playground acquaintance to going shopping with the gal pal is a lot tougher, and even after a year I haven’t mastered this technique (and really, sometimes nothing more than time will help with that). If things go well at a first meeting, I find it useful to suggest a playdate on neutral ground as a great opportunity to further explore mutual interests.
Here’s a list of ten ways in which to meet new people. What you do from there is up to you!
1. At the Playground – Who came with the child your son/daughter is playing with? A few simple exchanges are truly enough to decide if you want to take the next step of playdate (such as, “Would you like to meet here next Wednesday at 3?” This is a non-threatening environment to approach people, after all the ice is already broken – your kids are playing and getting along.
2. Children’s Activities – I personally find this one a little tougher, since in my limited experience it’s not always one on one, but some moms may already know each other. Approaching a whole group can be daunting, but I’ve looked for the mom who is sitting on the sidelines as well but does not seem otherwise occupied (ie not reading a book).
3. Join a Group – Whether it is reading or crafting or just sitting back with coffee there are groups out there you can join in the evenings or weekends when you have a free moment from the kids. One great site to visit is www.meetup.com to find these kinds of groups in your area. Again, you’ll have the thread of common interests to bring you together.
4. Events – Other than groups, people tend to come out for events. Keep an eye out at the library or other public places or in your community papers for events such as nature walks, boat cruises, or free lectures at the local college. Again, anything you’re interested in attending will provide an opportunity to meet like-minded individuals.
5. Tap your Spouse or other Friends – Host a small party or afternoon coffee where you encourage people to bring over someone unfamiliar to your social circle. Your loved ones will understand your need to meet people, but also it’s a great way for everyone involved to meet someone new. I think the idea here is to bring together a small (read: less intimidating) and diverse group of people. That way no one will feel left out because everyone else seems to know each other.
6. Start a Group – Start a group on sites like www.meetup.com or advertise for member in a small community paper. Again, whether it’s reading or knitting or model car building, if you can’t find a group to join, and then make your own.
7. Have an Open House – Inviting your neighbors into your home over the holidays for coffee is an excellent way to meet the people you’re most likely to encounter. It doesn’t have to be a huge, catered party – a few appetizers and friendly conversation is more than enough to get the ball rolling. I can’t say it enough; it’s all about finding the common thread between people to help bring you together (in this case, common environment).
8. Just be Open – If you’re open to the possibility that someone may want to chat with you, then when someone does approach you you’ll be more likely to notice the signs and therefore be receptive. I know for a fact that in my own insecurities about how interesting I am to other people, I come across as unavailable to chat – and the moment I changed that opinion, I began to have many more random conversations.
9. Don’t Say No – Far too often I’ve been invited to parties and I’ve refused to go. Why? Because I don’t think I’ll know anyone there and I feel intimidated by that. And yet, here I am looking to meet new people. Where is the sense in this? Go to everything you’re invited to, want to or not, and enjoy yourself. Make a point to approach x number of people, and commit to it.
10. Take a Night Class – A lot of communities offer affordable adult education – personally I’ve taken a French class, a writing class, and formerly, knitting and other crafts.
I think it’s important to remember we’re all sharing the same experience – we as humans need emotional contact with other people. It is no doubt difficult to meet new people, especially when you find yourself having to keep a constant eye on your child (which in my opinion makes any real conversation next to impossible). By opening yourself up to the possibilities and putting yourself into a social context where you have the opportunity to at least chat with new people, you should find in no time the beginnings of a much-needed social network.
On the Importance of Having Patience – 5 tips for having (more) patience with your kids
Last modified on 2007-11-16 14:14:00 GMT. 0 comments. Top.
We as parents are required to focus on a wide range of day-to-day necessities in raising our children, such as adequate nutrition, proper exercise and a healthy balance of activities to stimulate young minds. In thinking of all the lessons we must try to instill in our children to ensure they grow up as healthy and well adjusted adults, I was struck by the realization that maybe there was an even more important lesson I had overlooked. Maybe this lesson is also one we need to review for ourselves from time to time: very simply, how to have patience in all that we do, and with everyone we meet.
We are taught at a very young age that patience is a virtue, but (and I suspect my upbringing as far as this is concerned is typical) that was about as far as we ever went at home in discussing its need. We live in a world where we want and receive things immediately, and anything less is unacceptable. This surely has an effect on our society today – think only of “road rage”, or even something as innocuous as feeling frustration with a slow cashier, or someone taking a little extra time in crossing the street when you’re in a hurry. In a society that values the “here and right now”, we have lost the ability to be patient in many aspects of our lives. Not only have we lost our ability to understand when things take longer than expected, but we are also less forgiving of others who don’t do things as well or as quickly as we can. This is the type of behavior we are modeling for our children, but wouldn’t a much more valuable lesson be that of understanding, forgiveness and the ability to overlook our frustrations from time to time?
There is nothing quite like having a family to show you how much patience you really have. Think of it this way – a child’s modus operendi is to push your buttons in any way and as often as possible. Our little angels love to drop a bomb in one place, run to the next and set another – all day, every day. Then something innocent happens, they might spill their orange juice or need your attention when you’re in the middle of an important phone call and it is very tempting to just snap. Keeping your patience day to day when faced with a constant onslaught such as this is enough to tempt a saint to scream. My son at three and a half has learned every trick in the book, and he is in no way afraid to use them all – at the same time if need be. I’ll be the first to admit, there are days when this works and I feel as though if I don’t scream, I might go insane. But then there are those moments of clarity, when I look at his cherubic face and see his delight; the giggle with a mischievous glint in his eye - it is in these moments where I feel an extra surge of patience and good humour – on a good day, I can even laugh! But sadly, these days are too few and far between for my liking.
There is a direct correlation between my patience levels and that of my son’s. He can sometimes be quick to give up when he’s having trouble with a task, say putting on his shirt. Or perhaps his lack of patience will manifest in asking for ten things at once and wondering why I’m still working on the first one. True, this may be the phenomenon known as Three-ness (and I sincerely hope it is), but I can honestly look at his behavior and realize that if I could only exhibit a little more patience, even a pinch more, perhaps Jaden would be more capable of dealing with his own frustrations.
Clearly I need a bit more practice in the “remain calm and have patience” department. Realistically, remembering to take a deep breath is out of the question – as far as I’m concerned, if I get that far gone, it’s too late to turn back without at least being huffy for even the briefest of moments. I much prefer a little bit of planning (i.e. the “ounce of prevention” tactic) to keep things running smoothly. Below is a short list of some of the ways in which I’ve been able to keep my cool; or at least regain it when the inevitable occurs. As with anything, there are days when at least one of these will work, and others where no list of ideas will be long enough to help.
1. 1. It’s all about perspective: This is inevitable – if you’re having a bad day, so will your child, as though you feed off each other’s negative energy. Now (and this is the tricky part) – if you feel “off” you need to find a few minutes to change your frame of mind. A mantra perhaps (“I’m happy, I’m happy”) - but for me it’s taking the time to brew coffee (grinding the beans if I need more time) and checking the gossip column while my son plays.
2. 2. Have a game plan: A day always seems to run just a little more smoothly if there’s a plan. For some, this might be a minute by minute play book, but I find even a general list with a couple of special activities to look forward to (trip to the zoo, lunch with a friend) spread throughout the week can really help keep the momentum positive.
3. 3. Get outside: My mother used to call it “getting out the cobwebs” - no matter the terminology, fresh air has restorative properties and can be calming and soothing. There is an added bonus if one is lucky, that with enough fresh air and activity, everyone will come home tired and ready for quiet play.
4. 4. Have some chocolate: Seriously, sometimes this is the best remedy. Hide somewhere, and delight in a bit of chocolate – whatever you have on hand. Savour both the taste and the clandestine nature of the operation. Hide it if you need to: have a stash that your significant other can’t find, this makes it taste all the sweeter. There is nothing better than a little chocolate in the cupboard to at least make you smile.
5. 5. Turn on some music: Music, like getting outside, has wonderful restorative properties. I don’t think it would matter what your preference is, just turn it on and turn it up. Maybe even take a minute to just listen in peace.
I believe myself to be a pretty typical stay-at-home mom, albeit maybe a little controlling about some things. Overall I think I have a normal patience level on most days and so I feel comfortable saying it’s inevitable that our patience will run out. In that case, I have found the best remedy is to own up to my actions, apologize and ask for a do-over. My son will usually send me to time out, and in his infinite wisdom, allow me to try again. In trying to model the correct behavior for my son, perhaps there are days where it’s okay to make a mistake and have to ask for forgiveness – these too are important lessons to teach.
In summary, we live in a society that has come to overlook the need for patience, yet the ability to have patience is of utmost importance. We are all trying to do the best for our children: teaching them to be independent, conscious of others’ feelings, and even conscious of the environment. These are all great and noble concepts, but it’s important to remember that everything will be just a bit more noble and great with a bit more patience.